The Christian Husband—Wife Relationship

Ephesians 5:15–33

The biblical concept of marriage is not that marriage is over here and our spiritual life is over there. It is a holistic picture of what human existence is about. The primary lesson then, laid on men, Christian men, is given to us in Ephesians 5: husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church. That love is displayed in its self-sacrifice, in its goal, in its self-interest, and in its typological fulfillment.

Genesis 2 reminds us that at the time of the fall, the curse was that the man would try to rule over the woman with a kind of iron hand, and that she in turn would try to dominate her husband. In both instances, without spiritual intervention and personal commitment of the individuals, the created order is shaken to its foundations.

What needs to be reversed, then, is this iron domination so that the husband loves his wife. That is his focus, not his domination or her submission. Then, what needs to be reversed in her is the desire to dominate, so that she is able to offer the gift of respect, which is at the heart of submission. Each spouse is focused on what God asks of them, not what the other is or is not doing right, nor trying to force what can only be freely given. There are reasons why the biblical line of argument puts the stress on self-sacrificial love on the husband and submission on the part of the wife. There is a lot of baggage and confusion today with the word submission. The key is that each offers what God designed for our best, His glory.

God’s ways are always perfectly wise and for our good. Individually, in our churches, and culturally, if we ignore them, it will be our peril, our loss.

Men & Women are Created Equal

Men and women are equally important to God and both are equally made in His image. They are different, but equal. There are certain distinctions in roles, far beyond childbirth.

We Are Instructed to Be Wise How We Live

The apostle Paul starts in verse 15 of Ephesians 5 and says: “be wise how you live your life.” Next, he shows us how it is to be fleshed out, especially in the area of the family.

Understanding Submission

The verb “to submit” invariably in the New Testament suggests submission in an ordered array. It’s also in a military hierarchy.
Clearly in Ephesian 5:21 there is a massive comparison going on concerning submission, between Christ and the church and the husband and the wife.

But how does the church submit to Christ?
If you listen to the whole voice of Scripture in this regard, the submission of the church to Christ is joyful, whole-hearted, grateful, willing, and voluntary. Doubtless because of grace, but still, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

In order to be submissive you have to find out and care about what pleases the Lord. To submit to the Lord presupposes finding out what the Lord’s will is, precisely because you want to do it.

How are wives to submit?
What’s the reason she is even directed to submit?
Simply because he is her head as Christ is the church’s head, that’s the only reason given. But He designed all for our best, & the kingdom and glory of God is at the heart of it all, always.

This responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband is dramatically opposed to self-interest. It’s opposite to the world’s idea, and our fallen nature. There is something intrinsically self-denying in a really good marriage. And unbelievably fulfilling. If we dispose of our western/modern culture baggage connected to the misunderstanding of the word, God’s love is central.

Husbands are to Love Like Christ

Husband’s are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.

Christ expressed his love for the church by the greatest self-sacrifice for her good, and that’s how husbands are to love their wives (with utmost self-sacrifice for their good).

The text does not flesh out a whole lot of rules about what needs to be done. The danger with rules is you think by obeying the rules, you have become holy, but you can obey rules and still not live under the cross! However, if you live under the cross and follow this pattern, it will transform the relationship.

The issue is what is the husband voluntarily, cheerfully, happily sacrificing for his wife’s good?

What woman on earth will want to dominate or disrespect you if you lead and love in this caring, sacrificial way?

Men, when you got married, you gave up all rights to yourself and to your individuality. You are married to her, and no longer can you make any decision based simply upon what you want to do. Her welfare must be considered in every decision that you make. You are to love her selflessly.

Do you know what most marriages need in order to have a truly Godly marriage relationship?

They need two funerals and one wedding. One, where a wife dies to herself, and one where a husband dies to himself. That is the atmosphere where a husband is willing to love his wife sacrificially, and say, “there is nothing too precious for me to give up for my wife’s well being.” If the husband gets to that point, the wife is usually more than willing to submit, because she respects her husband and knows she can trust him.

Only when obeying Christ is primary, the man and wife achieve two funerals and one wedding.

When that is done, the entire world can see Christ in the marriage relationship, and they share something of heaven on this earth, as they serve Him together.